I'm having a moment.

One of those days where nothing feels right; where I miss home, miss my family and friends, my dogs and work, sports and snow.  I'm just having a day.

I thought about Grandma Ag today.  Not that I don't think about her or the rest of my family everyday, but I still just haven't grasped the idea that such an integral part of my life is gone.  I will myself on certain days to just finally GET it.  To finally realise she is gone.  My the more I think about it, the more I don't understand and the more I think she will be waiting for me, beside Grandpa Ken at their lovely Sherwood Park home, greeting me on the sidewalk.  I guess this realisation won't occur until Christmas- the first time family will be together at an annual gathering.  I curse that day.

I think about Jessica often.  The other day, I was flipping through photos on Facebook (my only source of photos here in Scotland) and I cried over her photo.  To lose someone so young and beautiful.

And then tonight, as I am willing myself to sleep, I absentmindedly flip through Facebook and encounter a work friend who I have finally connected with on Facebook (sometimes creeping is hard...).  And the dreaded cancer word has found her too.

To the "friend" I just mentioned, who will not be mentioned by name out of respect for her privacy, if you read this, I want you to know I am sending all the positive vibes I have to you.  I am also sending you mental images of all the cute critters I see because I know how much we both love the itty bitty baby animals and animals in general.  I also want you to know that I recognise that this post is selfish.   I am sorry about that, but as I sit here and silently cry to myself, alone in my room thousand of miles from my family and friends, there is nothing that I want more than  to sit in their company.  And this is the only way I have to reach them and allow my thoughts out right now, at this very moment.

So tonight, I fell lost and helpless.  Never hopeless.

Jessica was the first person who I "knew" that I ever lost.  I was devastated.  I did not know how to cope, I didn't know what it really meant to never see or hear from someone again, to lose someone so integral in your life (I really have her to thank for many of my childhood memories).  Then I lost Grandma.  I still don't know what it means to lose someone, to never see her face again, to hear her laugh, to have her poke fun at me in a way only she could (because she was one cheeky lady), to see her at the glass of a ringette game, on her couch in her living room, to play 10-Pennies with her.  Only time will make me realise.

This is where the helplessness is.  Why them?  Why my childhood friend?  Why my young Grandma?  Why my co-worker.  Why?  I don't claim to be overtly religious, but I know there is a God.  But I sometimes wonder how is this FAIR?  Why them?  Why at all?

Never hopeless though.  There was never a time that Jessica was weak.  While I never saw her when she was taken by the C-monster, I heard she was nothing but a ray of sunshine.  Grandma?  She is one hell of a fighter.  Pretty sure I do not know anyone more stubborn than her.  Stubborn as a mule is pretty accurate.  And my "friend".  I knew from the day I met her (and maybe one day I will relay to her that moment, because I thought it was hilarious) that she was something special.  Really.  The first day I met her.  She didn't know it then what it was se was dealing with and she was already in pain, but would she quit working so hard?  No.  Stubborn as a mule that one is too.  And now, after reading her blog far to many times for a single night, just to understand, I know in my heart she's got this.  She's a fighter.  She's positive (one of the most "Positive Penny"'s you will ever meet actually, and "Chatty Cathy" too!), she has a great outlook, tons of support from all sides, and she's knowledgeable.  She knows what she is up against, she understands.  And knowledge is power, and power is what you need to kick some serious ASS.

To my "friend":

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
-Henry Stanley Haskins

To Grandma and Jessica:

I will see you again.  Keep shining and I will follow your light.

To those of you who have read along: your thoughts, prayers, well wishes, good vibes, happy thoughts, big hugs, puppy and kitty images and love should be directed to my friend while she starts her journey to recovery and to her family and and friends as they deal with the news and support her.


No comments:

Post a Comment